If setting boundaries feels selfish, you're not alone. This feeling is common, especially if you were raised to prioritize others' needs over your own or taught that saying "no" is wrong.
Boundaries aren't selfish—they're essential for healthy relationships and your own well-being. But when you've learned to please others at your own expense, setting boundaries can feel like you're doing something wrong.
Understanding why boundaries feel selfish and learning to set them with confidence is essential for building relationships that truly support your well-being.
Why Boundaries Feel Selfish
Boundaries can feel selfish when you've learned to prioritize others' needs over your own:
Why they feel wrong:
- Learned to please: If you were raised to prioritize others' needs, setting your own can feel like you're being selfish.
- Fear of rejection: You might worry that setting boundaries will push people away or make them think you don't care.
- Guilt: Setting boundaries can trigger guilt, especially if you've learned that your needs are less important than others'.
- Fear of conflict: You might avoid setting boundaries because you're afraid of arguments or confrontations.
- Normalized self-abandonment: If you've learned to ignore your own needs, prioritizing them can feel unfamiliar and wrong.
- Misunderstanding boundaries: You might think boundaries are about controlling others, when they're actually about protecting yourself.
These patterns make boundaries feel selfish, even when they're essential for healthy relationships.
What Boundaries Really Are
Boundaries aren't about controlling others or being selfish—they're about protecting your well-being:
What boundaries are:
- Protection: Boundaries protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
- Self-respect: Setting boundaries shows that you respect yourself and your needs.
- Clarity: Boundaries create clarity about what you will and won't accept.
- Healthy relationships: Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships—they create safety and respect.
- Self-care: Setting boundaries is a form of self-care, not selfishness.
What boundaries aren't:
- Controlling others: Boundaries aren't about controlling what others do—they're about what you will accept.
- Selfishness: Prioritizing your well-being isn't selfish—it's necessary for healthy relationships.
- Rejection: Setting boundaries doesn't mean you don't care about others—it means you care about yourself too.
- Punishment: Boundaries aren't about punishing others—they're about protecting yourself.
Understanding what boundaries really are can help you set them with confidence.
The Difference Between Boundaries and Selfishness
There's an important difference between healthy boundaries and selfishness:
Healthy boundaries:
- Protect your well-being without harming others
- Are communicated clearly and respectfully
- Allow for compromise and negotiation
- Respect others' boundaries too
- Create safety and respect in relationships
Selfishness:
- Prioritizes your needs at others' expense
- Doesn't consider others' needs or feelings
- Is about getting what you want regardless of impact
- Doesn't respect others' boundaries
- Creates harm or imbalance in relationships
The key difference is that boundaries protect your well-being while respecting others, while selfishness prioritizes your needs at others' expense.
Why You Were Taught to Please
Understanding why you learned to please others can help you understand why boundaries feel selfish:
Why pleasing was taught:
- Cultural messages: Many cultures teach that prioritizing others is virtuous, while prioritizing yourself is selfish.
- Family patterns: If your family prioritized others' needs, you learned to do the same.
- Avoiding conflict: Pleasing others can feel safer than setting boundaries, especially if conflict was dangerous or uncomfortable.
- Getting needs met: You might have learned that the only way to get your needs met was to please others first.
- Self-worth: You might have learned that your worth comes from helping others, not from taking care of yourself.
These patterns make boundaries feel wrong, even when they're essential for your well-being.
The Cost of Not Setting Boundaries
When you don't set boundaries, it has real costs:
Emotional costs:
- Resentment: Unmet needs and violated boundaries accumulate over time, leading to resentment.
- Emotional exhaustion: Constantly prioritizing others' needs can be mentally and emotionally draining.
- Lower self-worth: Not setting boundaries reinforces the message that your needs aren't important.
- Lost self: You might lose yourself trying to please others, forgetting what you actually want or need.
Relational costs:
- Unhealthy relationships: Relationships without boundaries can become unhealthy or codependent.
- Resentment: Unmet needs can lead to resentment, which damages relationships.
- Difficulty being authentic: When you're focused on pleasing, it's hard to be authentic and show up as yourself.
- Missed opportunities: You might miss opportunities for healthier relationships because you're not setting boundaries.
These costs make boundaries essential, even when they feel uncomfortable.
How to Set Boundaries When They Feel Selfish
Setting boundaries when they feel selfish takes practice, but it's possible:
Practical steps:
- Start small: Practice setting small boundaries first, then gradually work up to bigger ones.
- Be clear and direct: Communicate boundaries clearly and directly, without apology or justification.
- Use "I" statements: Express boundaries from your perspective: "I need..." or "I can't..."
- Be consistent: Follow through on boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself when setting boundaries feels difficult—it's a skill that takes practice.
- Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can help you practice setting boundaries.
- Remember your worth: Remind yourself that your needs matter and that setting boundaries is self-respect, not selfishness.
These steps take time, but they can help you set boundaries with confidence.
Building Confidence in Boundaries
Building confidence in setting boundaries takes practice:
Ways to build confidence:
- Understand your worth: Remind yourself that your needs matter and that you deserve to have them respected.
- Practice: Start with small boundaries and gradually work up to bigger ones.
- Notice the benefits: Pay attention to how setting boundaries improves your relationships and well-being.
- Seek support: Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and support you in setting them.
- Be patient: Building confidence takes time. Be kind to yourself as you practice.
- Trust yourself: Trust that you know what you need, even when it feels uncomfortable to express it.
Your boundaries matter, and you deserve to set them with confidence.
Frequently Asked Questions
What helps when setting boundaries feels selfish?
Multiple approaches can help. Understanding your worth, practicing self-compassion, starting with small boundaries, and seeking support are important. Some people find brief, structured practices helpful for managing relationship stress and building confidence when setting boundaries feels difficult. Platforms that offer 3-5 minute exercises can support emotional regulation when boundary-setting feels vulnerable. However, if setting boundaries consistently feels impossible or significantly affects your well-being, professional support is often recommended.
Are there free or low-effort ways to practice setting boundaries?
Yes. Free options include self-reflection exercises, journaling about your needs, brief mindfulness practices for emotional regulation, and starting with small boundaries. Some people find that structured self-guided platforms offer accessible practices for managing relationship stress. However, for persistent patterns of difficulty setting boundaries or consistently prioritizing others at your expense, professional support is often recommended.
Is therapy the only option for learning to set boundaries?
No. While therapy can be very effective for understanding and practicing boundary-setting, it's not the only option. Self-reflection, self-awareness practices, and support from trusted friends can all help. Some people use structured mental wellness tools alongside therapy, while others find self-management sufficient for milder challenges. However, if setting boundaries consistently feels impossible or significantly affects your well-being or relationships, professional support is often recommended.
Next Steps
For practical support and structured practices, explore our relationship anxiety hub which includes understanding patterns, deeper guides, and first actions you can take today.
The Path Forward
If setting boundaries feels selfish, you're not alone. This feeling is common, especially if you were raised to prioritize others' needs over your own.
Boundaries aren't selfish—they're essential for healthy relationships and your own well-being. Learning to set them with confidence is a skill that takes practice, but it's possible.
If this resonates, you're not broken. You might be responding to patterns that taught you to prioritize others at your own expense, making boundaries feel wrong even when they're essential.